Out of Reach

Love and forever sound great and totally attainable when you are in a happy relationship (typically new). How do those thoughts transfer to reality? How do you manifest that reality in such a challenging world? I believe that the current world we live in puts extra stress and tension on relationships that were not there a few decades ago. Perhaps marriages should prioritize the contractual agreement of two people deciding to set their combined efforts towards a set of common goals. Given the rises in divorce, is love really a requirement for forever?

I have spoken previously about how difficult it must be to grow at the same rate as your partner. This extends from finishing school to retiring. How do you know that your goals are going to remain the same throughout all of those years if you rely on love alone to get married? There are so many outside factors that will cumulate of the course of your lives that will challenge a couple on what their true goals together are. If they are not completely unified via common goals, then how can they make equitable decisions for each party over the course of their lives? This is before you even add in any constraints like depression, anxiety, dietary concerns, work life requirements; the list goes on.

I think that in todays society, both parties of a relationship have to work to support the home and afford the lifestyle that they wish. I think that due to constraints like this, marriages are shifting more towards a contractual agreement. One that by legal definitions that says “you’re in this shit together”. I don’t even want to talk about whatever insecurities individuals might have over each party making their fair share contribution to the relationship; that’s a can of worms I will not touch. The point is that quite literally everything is against you… Sometimes, love just isn’t enough; there needs to be more for a successful relationship.

Now let me introduce you to my recent perspective. Many people will say it’s lack of confidence or just me coming out of a big relationship, but I believe that there might be more to it. I am afraid that between my depression, anxiety and lack of emotional strength, intelligence, and maturity, that I will never be able to be in a successful relationship. Somehow, I think that I become dependent on the other and I eventually stop lifting us up. I barely know how to keep myself afloat amongst my depression, and even scarier, I have no clue when I start sliding downhill towards the pits to which I never want to return. Instead, it’s more like a child drowning in a pool. I am thrashing and kicking, but no matter how hard I struggle, I sink deeper and deeper. The only thing that I can think to do is to grab hold of the closest person to me in my life and drag them down with me. I will not do that again.

This is very much an open ended post. I have no idea if this is a shared opinion or feeling by others, but I am afraid that a “loving forever”may be out of reach for me in this life. Until I can better answer the questions above, I think it is my duty to prioritize myself and keep moving in a positive direction. No matter how much we may dream of the moon and the stars, the fact is that it is the smallest portion of the population that will ever achieve such heights. This is why those perfect couples set the expectations and dreams of others. Dreams that may never be fully realized.